Standing Up to Pee (Under an Attack of Sciatica)

by Jone Garcia in Living > Life Hacks

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Standing Up to Pee (Under an Attack of Sciatica)

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Why would I need to standing up to pee?
I don't.
(Usually)

Although owning a body is generally a cause for joy, everything has its exceptions. Living under an attack of sciatica is one of them. It creates a new range of needs. Among them, the ability to pee standing up.

It happened to me last year. I was fine. 30 minutes later, I wasn't able to get up or sit down without howling in pain. 30 minutes more, and I wasn't able to stand up or to sit down by myself. Not even howling.

I live alone, and I like it. It's only a problem when your body is malfunctioning or if you want to change the duvet cover. But I use blankets instead, and I also have good friends. That day, a good friend came over with food in tupperwares, lots of fruits and some painkillers. I had almost everything I needed to survive for a few days: water, food, the ability to take a shower and also to get in and out of bed (using a method that involved strange contortions, rolling movements, and a lot of arm strength, but was very effective).

But I need, like every human being I know, to pee several times a day.
I could not sit down and get up without help.

Really, was I going to have to call a friend every time I needed to go to the bathroom?

I tried to pee standing up using a jar. But you have to hold the jar under you, in a half-tilted posture that in a sciatic attack is also unfeasible. Also, there are medical devices for urinating lying down in a hospital bed, but they were not compatible with my strange ways of getting in and out of bed.

There are ready-made items for women to pee standing up, which you can buy online. They are meant for camping or festivals. I don't know anyone who uses one. Problably because, in order to solve one problem, those things create a bigger one: If you're away from home, how do you manage it after you've used it? Where do you put it? (We handle menstrual cups out of home because, as you store it inside you, the storage problem is solved. And yet their use has a steep learning curve).

But in my condition, and indoors, one of those devices would be the perfect solution. Since I didn't have one, and the problem was serious and urgent, I decided to build one with whatever I had at home.

Supplies

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  1. Kitchen funnel
  2. Hose. (A small piece of hose is ideal because it is flexible and allows you to enjoy the joy of training your aim. But if you don't have a piece of hose, you can make a tube with a piece of plastic and duct tape)

Get a Funnel From the Kitchen

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Get a funnel from the kitchen. Mine was 12 cm in diameter at its widest part. I think this is the most comfortable and ergonomic size. Clean it thoroughly.

Cut a Piece of Hose

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As the device turned out to be not only practical but also fun, I tried different hose lengths to find the ideal ratio between "ease of aiming" and "ease of cleaning". The longer the length, the better the aim, but the more messy it was to rinse it in the sink. The best "aim-cleaning" ratio, in my opinion, was achieved with a 15 cm long hose.

If you don't have a hose at home, here's plan B: you can make a tube out of a plastic sheet (for example, by cutting a rectangle from the cover of a notebook, a folder...) . Roll it up and tape it with duct tape.

This solution is worse, in two ways: it is less hygienic, and, as it is a rigid tube, it is more difficult to correct the trajectory of the liquid if you are not aiming well. But it works too.

Insert the Tip of the Funnel Into the Hose. Do Not Use Tape to Hold Them Together

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I was lucky, and the piece of hose I had at home was just the right size for the tip of the funnel to go through and fit perfectly. If the hose you have at home is much wider than the tip of the funnel, I don't think that will be a problem either.

Don't tape both parts together: everything cleans much better after each use if you can separate the funnel and the hose easily.

Relieve Yourself and Have Fun

I think it is unnecessary to post photos or videos of this step. You can imagine it.

After every use, take the funnel and the hose apart, and rinse them.

I have to say that I found it a lot of fun to pee standing up. It's also true that I could hardly do anything else those days, and any little activity that would get me out of the tedium seemed like a treat. Maybe I'm overestimating the fun of the action. Fortunately, the sciatica attack, in its acute phase, lasted only three days, so I didn't have time to get bored of using the device either. I was soon able to return to my usual pissing position: sitting down.

The food my friend brought me lasted long enough. Happy end.

Of course, I hope that none of you will ever need to use this thing.