Vulgar Blueberry Hand Pies

One of my favorite times a year is when the blueberries are ripe enough to pick. I used to go blueberry picking up north every year with my grandmother when she was alive. Well, she picked blueberries, while my cousins and I ate most of the blueberries we picked. When we were done we would all go home and make blueberry pies and jam from our haul. Even though she is gone every blueberry season I try to make at least a pie or some jam in her memory. This year though I wanted to make blueberry hand pies, with a twist. While I am going to use my grandmothers recipe for pie crust and the blueberry filling I am going to deviate a little and make vulgar hand pies. I know it's something that my grandmother wouldn't do but I think she will appreciate the joke of it.

Pie Crust

• 2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 Tsp salt
• 1 Tbsp sugar
• 1 cup (2 sticks) cold unsalted butter
• 1 Tbsp Apple Cider Vinegar
• 3 - 8 Tbsp ice water
• Alphabet cookie cutters (I found mine at Hobby Lobby

Blueberry filling

• 2 cups blueberries
• 1/4 cup granulated sugar
• 2 Tbsp cornstarch
• Zest of one lemon
• Juice of one lemon

• turbinado sugar for sprinkling

• 1 egg beaten for egg wash

• In a bowl sift 1 1/2 cups flour to make sure there are no lumps
• Add 1 tsp salt and 1 tbsp sugar. Mix together till all the ingredients are combined.

• Take 1 of the sticks of butter and cut it into small cubes. Scatter it into the flour mixture.Do the same with the second stick of butter
• Begin to cut the flour mixture and butter together using and pastry blender or knives. We want to limit using our hands as much as possible. We want the butter to remain as solid as possible to give us a nice flaky crust.
  

• work mixture together until the flour has a coarse, mealy texture similar to fresh bread crumbs. About 1 – 2 minutes.

• Add remaining 1 cup of flour. Begin to work butter and flour with the pastry blender until flour is evenly distributed.

• Add 1 tbsp apple cider vinegar. We are adding vinegar to the crust as it inhibits gluten formation. We want that because it makes the crust flakier and more tender.
• mix together with a spatula. Again we want to have as little contact with the dough as possible so our hands don't melt the butter
• Add 3 tbsp ice water and mix together to form a ball. If your mixture is still too dry to come together add 1 tbsp at a time of ice water till the mixture comes into a ball.

• Lay out a piece of cling wrap and place the dough ball on the wrap. Smoosh the ball down so it is more of a disc. This will make it easier to roll out when we come to that
• Wrap up the dough so it is completely covered and place in the fridge for 1 - 3 hours so the butter can harden up.

• Take one lemon and zest the entire lemon. When done there should be less yellow showing and more the white of the rind.

• put the 2 cups of blueberries in the a bowl and add the zested lemon

• Add 1/4 cup of sugar into the blueberry mixture
• We are going to want to sift the 2 tbsp of cornstarch over the mixture so we don't have any corn starch lumps
• Cut the lemon in half and squeeze over a sifter to catch any seeds or pulp

• Take a spatula and fold the mixture into itself. We want to be as gentle as possible as not to pop or smoosh the blueberries.

• Take your dough out of the fridge and let it sit for 5 - 10 minutes so it thaws enough to roll out.
• Once thawed out a bit cut it into fours. This isn't necessary but I find rolling out small amounts of dough is much easier.
• Dust a flat surface with flour.
• Place your dough on the flour and dust the top of the dough and the rolling pin.
• You are going to want to roll your dough out to about 1/8 inch think

• Find a cookie cutter or use a bowl that is about 4 to 5 inches in diameter. I used a bowl and ran a knife around the outside cutting out the disc
• Cover a baking tray wax paper and place your dough cut outs on the paper
• Continue to cut out circles and placing them on the wax paper. Once full lay another piece of wax paper on top and repeat till all the dough is gone.
• Place the circles in the fridge for 5 minutes so the butter can harden up a bit. Remember this is one of those things that will give your crust that really good flake.

• Take your circles out of the fridge and place the top layer on the counter.
• With your alphabet cookie cutters start with cutting out your vulgar words or phrases. I started with both Eat Me and Suck It.
• Once done lay them next to a disc that has not yet been cut with letters. This is going to be our bottom piece

• At this time you are going to want to preheat your oven to 400 degrees fahrenheit.
• You will need to get out 2 to 3 cookie sheets and cover with parchment paper. Cut down the paper so that it fits perfectly into the tray. I made the mistake of not doing that and the paper started to burn in the oven. It will not harm the pies but it will smell up your house.
• Place your uncut disc on the paper and rub the outside edge with a bit of water. This will help our pies to adhere together better.
• Place 1 - 2 tbsp of the blueberry mixture onto the disc.
• Place your circle with your vulgar word on the top of the blueberry mixture
• With a fork you are going to want to crimp the edges together to seal in the mixture

• Take 1 egg and mix it up. Take the beaten egg and brush it on lightly all over the top of the pie. This will help give us and nice golden crust
• For decoration add turbinado sugar to the top of the pies

• Place your cookie trays into the 400 degree oven and bake for 10 min
• When your timer goes off you are going to want to rotate the racks so our pies bake evenly
• Put your timer on for another 10 min.
• When your timer goes off. You should see that they are brown around the edges and golden brown on top. This is when you will know if they are done
• Take your pies out of the oven and let them cool off or if you are like me eat them piping hot from the oven. Subsequently burn my tongue.